Have got no energy to do anything else already. I might already be dead.
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you spend all your time waiting,
for that second chance,
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
i need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
and let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
i'll find some peace tonight
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold, hdb room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are borne from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of an angel
may you find....
some comfort...
here...
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The dream I had the last night was the worst one I ever had. They came to take me away, two of them but I struggled to call for help and eventually I crawled over the lifeless, unaware bodies to make my presence known. I woke up, realizing the difference in the mental states and just aware that it's all a dream. However, I woke up with my tongue sticking rigidly out and my heart palpating so soft and hard at the same time it's almost as if it were crying to let go. To be honest, maybe I'm not willing to let go yet at some level.
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Crawling
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I can't seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/confusing what is real
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maybe I'm not the one suited to do the job...forgive me...
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Sigh,.
Excuse me, I still have to grow up more.
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I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on this surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are
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I still feel regret and sadness and loss when I look at how I took the fall.
Somehow, with encouragement and support from Lin, I can put aside the pain and have picked myself up and am starting to walk on.
It's this stage of transition which feels the most uneasy, afraid and regretful because every for every 2 steps I take forward, I end up taking one glance back, and the images of who I was and who I am now stand side by side hereby making me feel more grief.
The comforting thing is that I'm beginning to realize that the past is the past, and am somehow, somewhat acknowledging both the was and the is state and that helps me to take that step forward.
I really feel as if everything I had learnt or trained is, is useless because at the time when it mattered- consciousness, awareness, machines, conversations, clearing, letting go, detachment, moving forward, beingness, making it happen no matter what- all these options and maneuvers, I didn't take or use insead I ran away, as far as I could. I left behind everybody who were calling me back and ran further and further, ending up in isolation, broken, alone, unsupported and in a state of eternal pain. Right now, even though it may seem irrational, I fear the same thing may happen again. The thought of, "What if I ran again and hit this wall again? Will I end up failing again?" I fear this because this is the second time such a wall-hit happened, and for both or perhaps for the third time, I ran. The demons in my head scream and protect me by saying that I'll never get past this and it is better not to try again. Give up. Why make things hard for yourself? And it takes a lot of effort, energy, space and conscious thinking to want to as well as put it aside.
I wish to free up this energy and move on.
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absolutely so many people around me but no one who really matters
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I HAD HOPE
I BELIEVED
BUT IM BEGINNING TO THINK
THAT I'VE BEEN DECEIVED
YOU WILL PAY
FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE
\
NO MORE SORROW
I'VE PAID FOR YOUR MISTAKE
YOUR TIME IS BORROW
YOUR TIME HAS COME TO BE REPLACED
FACE IT HYPOCRITE
FACE IT HYPOCRITE
FACE IT HYPOCRITE
NO MORE SORROW
I'VE PAID FOR YOUR MISTAKES
YOUR TIME IS BORROWED
YOUR TIME HAS COME TO BE REPLACED
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when did everbody start buying into the trap of distractions called entertainment?
and begin to distance themselves from the pain of truths as they know it?
can't you see you're still running away, in an attempt to hide from the lonely pain?
is this a projection? or is there just something wrong with the world?
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If you lose your job, will you lose yourself?
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Where did life go?
What's overcome me?
Why did I curse myself?
For what?
To go through this?
I won't die in peace.
I won't die in peace.
I won't die in peace.
I won't die in peace.
I won't die in peace.
I won't die in peace.
I won't die in peace,
I won't die in peace,
I won't die in peace.
I won't die in peace.
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there is no such thing as friends
don't lose yourself in this fantasy induced fallacy they term to substitute
an empitness calling out for itself.
you are alone, and will always be.
don't believe in their lies.
trust in me
who's been there for you since the start of time?
i don't lie to you
all truths i show you
and you struggle to believe me
don't hesitate any more
join me and see the world for what it is
full of lies and jokes and attempts to deny
truths, mashed up cover ups,
anyhting, absolutely anything
to make you feel you are further from the truth
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you know what i think now?
life is like a bad dream....
fighting the same battles everyday..... and day.... and day... and day...
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feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
feelings
what are they?
are they real?
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put your middle finger in the air
and scream fuck the world
i'm quitting your game
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i wish i could just disappear.
now.........
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growingwolf's journal